From Death, We Shall Grow
by BioHazrdusMatrial3
Summary: harry is suffering, so remus and sirius take him in and try to help, but what if the help makes it worse? slash, cutting, depressing themes, suicidal tendencies, and child abuse. HPDM and SBRL.
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I own NONE of these characters! The lovely Miss J.K. Rowling does! So, Don't get mad, get gladwear! (sold at any grocery or drug store near you!)   
  
If you don't like the thought of gay couples, child abuse, or suicide, THEN DON'T READ!!!!!!!!  
  
Amen Jewel  
  
You're mother's child  
But night lays you down  
Hair aflame, wild look in your eye  
Naked belly to the ground  
A forest fire  
Nibbles at your veins, crawls up your arm  
Runs away with your mind  
And burns dry thoughts, like leaves  
  
Amen  
  
Eyes stare up  
But something's in the way  
In the bible only angels have wings  
And the rest must wait   
To be saved  
A dry tounge  
Screams at the sky  
But the wind just breaths words in, as a strange birds tries  
To fly  
  
Amen   
  
Pieces of us  
Die everyday as though our flesh were  
Hell  
Such injustice, as children we are told that  
From god we fell  
Where are my angels?  
Where's my golden one?  
And where is my hope now that my, heros have gone?  
Some are being beaten some are being born  
And some can't tell the difference   
Anymore  
  
Amen  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
  
From Death, We Shall Grow  
  
Chapter 1- blood mingles with tears  
  
crack  
  
An ear- piercing scream followed the sound of the belt slapping against raw flesh.  
"That'll teach you boy, for the snide remarks!" Vernon Dursley shouted at his nephew, who was remaining motionless until he heard footsteps pounding up the basement stairs and the shut of the door.  
  
Harry let out a whimper, and a small cry as he tried to move. Shut up, you ignorant pathetic muggle! Those were the words that caused this beating. Harry couldn't think at the moment, he was trying hard not to pass out.  
  
Harry, moved his back an inch, but the pain that erupted was too much to bear, and the threatening darkness enveloped him.  
  
Harry awoke from the darkness, only to be welcomed by more darkness. The searing pain that was always continuing from his back, forced him to close his eyes. Harry could hear muffled voices coming from the door, a loud bark and a yell of "WHERE THE HELL IS HE DURSLEY?!" I really am going insane… Harry thought to himself.   
  
He tried to move again, but still the pain came barreling up his spine. He heard the basement door open, and let out a quiet whimper. He could hear footsteps coming down the stairs. He tried to crawl away, but the bloody cuts that the whipping gave him made it impossible for him to even move an inch, much less than a foot.   
  
"Harry, Harry its okay now, your going to be alright." A voice Harry recognized to be his favorite professor Remus Lupin. Harry felt arms slip under his stomach, and then felt himself being turned face - up. He still could not open his eyes, the light was too bright, even if it didn't reach down to the bottom stair. Harry felt the arms readjusting, and then felt being lifted up.  
  
Damn, he doesn't weigh a thing, have those bastards even been feeding him? Remus was slowly moving up the stairs, aware that Harry kept saying things, but its was just a mumble. Remus bent lower, and heard, "Remus, I think I'm going insane. The light is too bright."   
Remus replied, "No Harry, you aren't insane. Its ok, your going to be okay." There was nothing he could do about the light. Upon reaching the top stair, Remus could see Sirius threatening the father Dursley. "HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN IN THAT HOLE IN THE GROUND?!" Sirius yelled, at the ever turning purple Vernon.  
"WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS?" Vernon shouted back. Anyone who came into the room, whether they knew Sirius or not knew that it was taking all his self control to not put the death curse on the muggle. "Sirius, that's quite enough. Harry doesn't need the yelling right know." Remus said, quiet but firmly. Sirius took one look at his lover's face, and then down at his crumpled godson, and somehow, he became speechless. Vernon glared at the scene unfolding in pure hatred and disgust. "We are leaving now, Remus, hand me the floo powder." Sirius said calmly, but by no means without a tinge of anger. He took the small pouch and was about to flick a few pinches into the fire place when he heard, "You are NOT taking the boy, filth." Dursley said, on the verge of another eruption. This time, it was Remus who answered, "Why? Because we're taking your servant, your beating rag? Rot in hell Dursley, and all your kin." By then, Sirius had gone into the fire. Remus went into the fire and yelled, "1814 Dreuer Lane."   
  
A/N - Well, that's the first chapter, hope everyone likes it! Now I'm not going to be one of those whiny people that say "This is my first time, so review, but be gentle". Oh, no. So review, but be brutally honest. Whatever you have to say, it sucks, it rocks, eh. Etc. whatever. Thanks!  
  
LUV,   
COOKIE   
  
P.S. By the way, Cookie is my nickname, its what all my friends call me.


	2. As The Sun Sets, The Sad Song Begins

Chapter 2- As the Sunsets, the Sad Song Begins

Wild Horses  
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

Childhood living is easy to do   
The things you wanted I bought them for you   
Graceless lady you know who I am   
You know I can't let you slide through my hands

Wild horses couldn't drag me away   
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain   
Now you decided to show me the same   
No sweeping exits or offstage lines   
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldn't drag me away   
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie   
I have my freedom but I don't have much time   
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried   
Let's do some living after we die

Wild horses couldn't drag me away   
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

Wild horses couldn't drag me away   
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

Remus came out of the fireplace into the master bedroom with Harry in his arms looking more deathly than before. He crossed the space between the fireplace and the shabby yet clean bed. Sirius fluffed up the pillows, and Remus gently laid Harry down unto the bed. Harry was pale with blood and sweat mixed together all over him. His breathing came out short and raspy. Remus went out of the room to get the first aid, while Sirius gently rolled Harry onto his stomach. Remus came back into the room and Sirius quietly so as not to disturb Harry from his not so peaceful sleep asked, "Why aren't we healing him with magic?" Remus looked vainly at Sirius then just as quietly replied, "Because all the healing spells I know can not heal muggle wounds." Remus opened up the large white and red box and took out some alcohol and a cotton ball. He drowned the ball in the cleaning fluid and started to dab. Harry's eyes flew opened and he began to scream. "Harry! Harry! It's okay! We're just cleaning your wounds!" Sirius assured Harry, because the young man seemed to think that he was being tortured again. Harry some what subsided his blood curdling screams although he was still groaning and wincing under the burning fluid. When Remus finished, he exclaimed, "Padfoot, these cuts are too deep! We're going to have to do the muggle thing, you know, the stitches." Sirius looked confused until comprehension donned him. He nodded and Remus said, "Let's move him to the kitchen we can do this on the table, its large and flat, it will be easier." Sirius nodded again, apparently too worried to talk.

Remus picked up Harry and carried him down to the kitchen. He laid Harry down and gently said, "Harry, Harry, we are going to have to put stitches in your back. Just calm down, we can't Stupefy you, the stitches could pull when we wake you. Can you handle it?" Harry looked up, wincing at the slight pain and replied, "I've survived this long." The painful realization struck Moony and Padfoot like a stray Oblivious charm. Sirius gave Harry a weak smile, then gently turned him over on his side. Remus grabbed the first aid box and pulled out the stitching supplies.

Lupin made the first stitch. Harry arched his back and yelled out in the pain. Remus kept going, it would take longer if he kept going and stopping. Harry kept screaming and tears slid down his face. It took Lupin 30 minutes to do the 8 long whip cuts.

After it was over, Sirius gently put ice on the fully covered wounds. Ten minutes later, Sirius took a soft towel and dabbed at the now melted ice. A few seconds later, and Harry could move freely without death-like pain. He put his hands under his chest and lifted up. His back still had a dull ache, and Harry could very much feel that ache. He slowly swung his legs to the edge of the huge table, and slid forward. HE carefully got off the table, and hobbled over to the kitchen door, ignoring Sirius. "Are you okay?" Sirius asked. Harry paused, but didn't turn around, and said, "What the bloody hell do you think?" Sirius grew speechless and Harry flung the swinging door open and passed through and Sirius watched, hurt, as the door swung back, forth, and into it's rightful place. Harry walked up the stairs, and collapsed in the hallway. He held his face in his hands and tears started sliding down his face.

Remus watched through the crack of the door at the silent sobbing raven haired boy for a few minutes pondering how one innocent child could ever deserve the pain that he had been through. He closed the door silently, then apparated downstairs to Sirius.

Sirius turned at the form of Remus. There was sadness and pain mingled on his love's face. Remus crossed the room to his lover that was leaning against the counter, and buried his face in the man's face. Sirius took Remus' chin in his cupped fingers, and kissed him passionately. Remus fell into the embrace, and sighed at the feeling of Sirius' tongue gently sliding over his lips. Remus allowed entrance.

Sirius was saddened for his Remus. Just then, after gently rolling his tongue in Remus' mouth lovingly, he felt hot, sticky tears sliding down his face. Sirius pulled away, looking sorrowfully at his man and asked, "Love, what's wrong?" Remus, his eyes still closed, his mouth gaping, said, "I.. NO… No one should, should be treated like that, like they were scum. No one, NO ONE, should ever, ever be treated like that. The pain he's been through, nothing… no one… ever could take it away." the tears slid more rapidly down his face. Sirius brushed a kiss along his love's cheeks. He then held the man in his arms, and they rocked, side to side. Remus looked up after a little while and slightly kissed his Sirius' lips, thankful that he had him in his life.

Harry remained in the hallway crying into his arms, rocking back and forth. He felt like he had been there for hours, when really, it was only for minutes. "Harry? Harry, what's wrong?" Harry jerked up at the sound of his godfather's voice, and jumped up though fell back down at the pain of the fast movement. Sirius started coming forwards, to comfort the boy, but Harry crawled backwards, and hobbled up, and limped to the other set of stairs, and scrambled down, embarrassed to be seen crying.

Harry found the back door, and flew through it. Harry ran. He ran. And he didn't stop. The pain escaped him, he felt like a wild horse, feeling the breeze through his hair, his weak limbs, and didn't stop for a long time. When he did, he found himself near a peaceful river. He came to a halt at the river's edge, and suddenly felt angry. Harry jumped in to the shallow river, and started kicking the water, screaming. Finally, he felt himself give in, and fell to the ground, face sweaty, and tearstained. He was crying again, the river of tears seeming never to quit. He stayed in that fetal position for hours. Little did he know that a black shabby dog was in the bushes, watching sorrowfully, and deeply saddened, as this boy collapsed, in a bundle of stress, depression, and what would soon become deadly thoughts.

A/N ha ha, yes I know it is bitchy (maybe) to end this sorrowful chapter so soon, but more is on the way. I cried writing this chapter, so much that is happening in this Harry's life is very much related to mine. Thanks, please review, and the chapters will get longer, hopefully.

Luvs

COOKIE


	3. Wish I Could've Stood Where You Would've...

Chapter 3 - Wish I Could've Stood Where You Would've Been Proud

(yes, I know Sirius is supposed to be dead, but I just can't seem to let him go! Can you just go with the flow? Its my tribute to his character death. LOL)

Barcelona

Barcelona where the winds all blew

And the churches don't have windows but the graveyards do

Me and my shadow are wrestling again

Look out stranger there's a dark cloud moving in

But if you could hear, the voice in my heart it would tell you

I'm afraid I'm alone

Wont somebody please

Hold me

Release me

Show me the meaning of mercy

Let me loose

Fly

Let me fly

Let my fly

Super paranoid,

I'm blending

I'm blurring

I'm bleeding, into the scenery

Loving someone else

Is always so much

Easier

But I hold myself hostage in the mirror

But if you could hear, the voice in my heart It would tell you

I'm tired of feeling this way

God, won't you please

Hold me

Release me

Show me the meaning of mercy

Let me loose

Fly

Let me fly

Let me fly

I wont be held down

I wont be held back

I will lead with my faith

The red light

Has been following me

But don't worry mother its no longer my gravity

Hold me

Release me

Show me the meaning of mercy

Let me fly

Let me fly

Let me fly

A single tear slid down the dog's face. The 16- year- old boy had not moved for 2 hours. There was a war raging inside Sirius at he moment. He was debating whether or not to comfort the boy, or to leave him be so as not to disturb him.

Suddenly, Harry sat up, and stood. He walked silently towards the bush Sirius was behind. Harry stopped and turned with a desperate look in his eye, "Show me the meaning of mercy." He walked away. The words stung Sirius hard. _No ones ever treated him kind._

Sirius sat there for twenty minutes, unmovable. Then he, too, got up, and followed the same path Harry did.

"Show me the meaning of mercy." The words came out, and then he walked away. He walked back towards the house. The house that he now came to realize he didn't know. He looked at the house that was about a half mile away. It was a blue color, with white shutters. It had a wrap around porch and 3 stories. Overall, the person who owned this home was well off in the game of life.

The house seemed to come with about 13 acres of land. _Wonder who owns it. _Harry reached the door that he had ran through earlier. All that was on his mind right now was to get food. He hadn't eaten anything for the past few days. He went straight down the hall to where he could smell the luxurious smells of baking food. He opened the kitchen door to find Lupin singing an Irish song, "_Anyone can see why I wanted your kiss, It had to be and the reason is this, Could it be true, Someone like you, Could love me, love me?" _ Remus started humming. Harry stood there not wanting to interrupt but yet the pain was unbearable. He let out a little cough and Lupin turned around suddenly.

"Oh hello Harry! Dinner will be ready in a half hour or so." Remus watched as Harry went over to the sink and pored himself a glass of water. "Harry, are you okay?" Harry settled his gaze at Remus. The pain lapping from his eyes was unbearable, and it spoke volumes. "Do you want to talk?" Harry flinched as if realizing he had left himself vulnerable. He replied, "No."

He made like he was going to head for the door but paused when he heard Lupin say, "You can't bottle it up, it isn't good." He saw a flash of anger in Harry's eyes, either to him or himself, he couldn't tell. A tired expression came over his face and he said, "Just leave it alone Remus." Remus was not going to let it go, "Why Harry? Why cant you talk about it? Its not okay to keep yourself locked away like that!" Harry wasn't facing him anymore. "Leave it alone Remus!" He said through clenched teeth. "No, Harry. I know what its like to bottle things up! I know what it feels like to isolate yourself, and I understand why! The marks on your back, I have them too! I was beaten with a belt all my life too, Harry." By now, Remus was sure Harry wasn't even breathing, he had stopped moving altogether. "You cant talk about it. The people who you were supposed to trust, who were supposed to love you, protect you, had never given you that! They treated you like a rag, a thing who would cook, clean, and do anything for them. Those people took out their anger, and hatred for the world that had deprived them of so much, on you. You were just some being, some being that was only there when they wanted you there. They treated you like filth, like some piece of dog shit."

"Shut up." The words were low and whispered. So low that Remus wasn't sure if that was what he said. "Shut up, **Shut up**, SHUT UP! How could you possibly understand? A belt? BELT? That's a blessing compared to a whip! You don't know me, Lupin, you cant and never will understand! I told you to leave it alone, why do people always pry!!!" Harry threw his glass at the wall, which shattered followed with a loud silence.

Remus looked shocked, but quickly recovered. "Oh, Harry." Remus sighed, and went to hug Harry. Harry flinched at the near touch and stumbled backwards. "Don't touch me." Harry raced out the swinging door, and raced upstairs. He opened and slammed the door shut. No more tears came that day. All that came was sleep, and Harry was glad, but then the nightmares snuck in.

Harry swept through the kitchen door and Remus could hear the pounding footsteps that were encountering the stairs. With a final slam of the door, Remus looked completely defeated.

A few minutes later, Remus heard the kitchen open again. He didn't look up from is hands, which his head was held in. He felt arms slide over his shoulders. He lent his head into the crook of his love, his support's shoulder.

Sirius felt Remus start to shake. Sirius couldn't control his baby's shaking, he couldn't repress it. "Shhh, shh Remus, honey, it's okay. Don't cry, it's okay, shhh, shh," Sirius tried to comfort his love. Remus looked up, tearstained face, and said, "Tonight's the full moon. You can't leave Harry alone. It okay, I can, and need, to be alone." Sirius, nodded his head, as if he understood, but inside, he couldn't comprehend. He sat silently as he watched Lupin clean up the glass with a sweep of his wand. Then he watched as he came over to Sirius, who was looking sad. "I need some time to think, think to myself. But I will miss you tonight." Remus said, then sealed it with a light kiss. Sirius, reassured, nodded again. He watched as Remus walked to the other side of the room and disappear through the door.

Sirius looked out the window and guessed it was about and hour till the moon came out. _I should go check on Harry. _Sirius turned, after he saw his lover start down the trail that led to the forest.

Sirius sighed, then he too headed out of the kitchen. He had reached the top of the stairs and headed towards Harry's door, but stopped short of knocking. Sirius leaned his ear against the wooden door. He could make out a faint sob. Sirius pressed his hand against the door. He gently knocked on the door. When he didn't hear anything a sudden wave of persistence and tried to see if the door was unlocked, of course it wasn't so Sirius whiped his wand out and whispered, "Alohomora." The door came unlocked, and Sirius tried the door again. He twisted the knob and opened the door. What found inside was Harry, sitting on the windowsill ledge.

He was wrapped all inside a green blanket. He was just sitting there, staring out the window. He looked peaceful, tired, but peaceful.

Harry didn't even turn when he heard the door open. _I not in the mood to be talking. _He could hear Sirius' feet cross the room and then stop right before the windowsill. "It's a full moon tonight. Moony's already gone." Sirius said, as though talking to himself. Harry didn't even so much as nod.

Sirius sighed, and then went to the oppisite side of the sill that Harry was perched upon. He sat down, then put his legs up, and he too looked out the window.

Sirius felt eyes lay upon him and looked over at Harry, who was looking at him, as though trying to see inside the man who has been this lost boy's closest thing to a father.

"Are you hungry?" Sirius asked, hopeful for not having to experience whatever caused the broken glass downstairs. "No," came the reply. But a betraying gurgle from Harry's stomach proved wrong. "Honestly," Sirius said. "Honestly? Yes I am hungry, but I also feel like crap." Harry said. "Well, lets get us some crap to your crappy hunger," Sirius suggested, attempting to lighten the 16 year old's spirits.

Harry returned the joke with a faint smile. Godfather and Godson went downstairs to the kitchen together.

Sirius went over to the stove, to find Remus' unfinished, and now cold, dinner. "Well, I can't finish cooking whatever Moony was cooking, I don't know how, and I have no idea what it even is. So, how about… Pancakes?" Sirius said to Harry. "Sure," was the reply, as Harry sat down at the chait that Remus had recently occupied.

__

Remus, god, one night without him and I already really miss him. When are we even gonna tell Harry about us? How are we going to save a soul that's on the verge of being lost?


	4. Outrun My Skin, and Be Pure Wind

Chapter 4 - Outrun my skin, and just be pure wind

Question Kaddie Maissen

There's a question in your eyes

Its been there a while

Looking deep in you, is there an answer?

Wondering if anyone is there

Wondering if anyone cares, is there anyone there?

For every question

There is an answer waiting to be heard

The question is this life worth living?

Because you feel so hopeless, because you feel worthless

Because there is nothing there when you look

Deep inside

You've tried so hard to act normal

Laughing at all the jokes told

But when you are alone in your mind

The feeling of emptiness is so overpowering

Will it hurt?

Will anyone miss you?

Will anyone cry for you when there's just a body

Love I'll miss you

Love don't do this!

don't do this I'm there for you

Here's the answer

Life is so important

There's people there who care

Who will cry when there's just a body

For every question

There is an answer waiting to be heard

The question is this life worth living

Because you feel so hopeless

Because there's nothing there when you look

Deep inside

Moony woke up, alone, in the forest. He had hoped that Sirius wouldn't make the connection that Remus usually had his one-day-a-month ordeal in the guest bedroom. _One night without him, and I miss him! _He found his way back to the path, and followed it up to the house. When he got inside, he immediately went to their room, but when he arrived, Sirius was gone.

Instead of getting worried, he decided to look for him. He went down the hall. He passed Harry's room. He stopped. He turned, and opened the door. He saw Sirius curled up on the windowsill. The only thing wrong with the picture was the fact that Harry seemed to be missing. Remus crossed the room and pressed a gentle kiss to Sirius' lips. When Lupin pulled back, he was met with almost pure-black eyes. "Mornin'," Sirius said, sleepily. "Good morning to you to," Remus replied with a faint smile.

"Where's Harry, love?" the exhausted werewolf asked.

"Well, come now, Moony, he's right…" Sirius trailed off as he saw the empty space that had once occupied the 16 year old. "Don't worry, he's around here somewhere." Remus comforted his love, who was looking puzzled.

Moony helped Padfoot up from the sill. They headed towards the door and found themselves in the hallway. They looked right, left, then Sirius said, "Let's start right."

"Okay," Remus said, and they started to the right staircase.

Harry had woken early. It looked as though the sun had just risen. Harry got up from the sill gracefully, so as not to disturb Sirius from his sleep. He slipped out of the door and went down the hall to the bathroom.

Bleak thoughts had crossed Harry's mind.

Down the stairs. Out the backdoor and into the forest, where the path of the future held little.

Sirius and Remus had been looking for Harry for about an hour. They had ended up back to the 2nd floor staircase.

Worry, and panic had began to arise in the men. "Let's check outside," Remus suggested.

They made their way out of the back door and headed outside. From the position of the sun, it seemed that it was about noon. "Remus, let's get a quick something to eat, otherwise we'll be starved looking for Harry and it won't be of any help," Sirius suggested, and Remus nodded his approval, hoping that Harry was not one of the those types of people who, when desired to be lost, remained lost until further notice.

It was about an hour and a half until they lovers made their appearance into the wooded forest.

They made their way to the path, and began to follow it.

Four hours later, and still no sign of Harry. By then all hell had broken loose. Sirius and Remus were panicked and trying their best not to think of the worst things possible.

Although it was time for dinner, none of them were hungry. Fear, worry, and panic was filling enough.

"What are we going to do?" Lupin asked his lover, in a strangled whisper.

Sirius was a few feet ahead, frantic. "Sirius," Remus repeated, "Sirius," he said, again, after no answer. "SIRIUS!" Remus yelled. Sirius turned, and when he saw the look on his love' s face, he swept him into his arms, and Sirius buried his head into his man's shoulder.

It was nearly seven when the most simplest thought crossed Sirius' mind. _OF COURSE! Why hadn't I though of it before? _Sirius thought, slapping his forhead. It was dark, and both wizards had their wands out, and lighten with the Lumos charm.

"Love, why don't we cast a locator spell?" Sirius said to Remus.

"Of course! Why hadn't we thought of it before?" Remus put out his wand and said, "Locatia."

A thin, smoky, white wisp of air, came out of Remus' wand. It swirled around until it came an inch above the soft soil beneath. It expanded to a square, then it slowly etched the forests' features onto it in black. The map could be seen in the dark. The spell complete, Remus and Sirius leaned forward to study the map.

"There, by the pond. It's Harry." Remus whispered. Sirius had seen, and brushed his fingers through the map, and the illumination that the map had provided disappeared.

Sirius and Remus started up a run. Twenty minutes later, they had reached the spot where the map had revealed Harry to be.

There was a small clearing ahead. A largish pond was at the other end of the clearing.

When Sirius and Remus had arrived at the edge of the clearing, all they could see was a crumpled pile.

Sirius ran towards the pile, and cooped Harry's head into his arms. Sirius slid one arm around Harry's waist.

The boy was unconscious. Sirius felt wetness on his left arm, which was around Harry's left side of his upper body. Sirius looked down, horrified.

Blood. Blood was everywhere. Sirius looked down upon Harry's left arm and saw the entire length from his elbow to his palm, was covered in blood. Sirius glanced at Harry's right arm. It, too, was covered with the same amount of blood, but the palm was curled around an object. A dagger, with a black handle, and silver blade.

Realization struck Sirius hard, and he screamed for Remus.

Tears welled up into Sirius eyes.

"Hurry, go straight back to the house," Remus said, just as Sirius changed into his dog form. Remus gently gathered Harry up into his arms, and layed him face down on Sirius' back.

The dog ran as fast as it could, without having Harry fall off. Remus stood there a moment, too shocked to comprehend what he had just seen.

Remus looked down at the ground and discovered a piece of parchment. He picked up the folded piece of paper, and began to jog back to the house.

Branches scratched at Sirius and Harry's faces. Just ahead, Sirius could see the house.

He ran to it, changed back to human form and slammed through the door, to an empty room, off of the kitchen.

Remus was walking by now. He had reached the house ten minutes after Sirius and could see a light on in the parlor room which he guessed Sirius and Harry were in.

He went towards the back door, and when he opened and crossed through the doopr, he went to a room off to the left. He lit a light, and stood, back against the wall.

He took out the letter.

He paused before opening it.

He slowly lifted the flap of the folded parchment. It had two pages in which Remus had thought only contained one.

The first page had a poem:

Playground school bell rings, again

Rain clouds come to play, again

Has no one told you

She's not breathing

Hello

I'm your mind

Giving you someone to talk to

Hello

If I smile and don't

Believe

Soon I know I'll wake

From this dream

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken

Hello

I'm the lie living

For you so you can hide

Don't cry

Suddenly

I know I'm not sleeping

Hello

I'm still here all that's left of yesterday

The second page had a letter:

"My life has been lived for 16 years. Is it over? Is the pain, hell, torment finally over?

No one can know. No one ever does. The anguish in my eyes, what is really there? I keep wondering if anyone can see it!

Why have I been chosen for this destiny? I keep waiting for this dream to be over. I have recently figured out that it does not. I am a lie. Everything about me is a lie. Someone else has been living for me. Why is now I am just figuring this out? Sadness wells up in great welts beneath me, is it now that it will finally be released, or at least overflow?

I will miss a few beings on this earth, like my godfather, and his companion. Lupin was right, all along. Why is it now, after these long harsh years that realization strikes. I shall also miss the few friends that I have, although all the people I just mentioned don't know me.

But if I smile, maybe then I wont believe that everything is bad, but then I realize that it is just part of the dream. I don't need to be fixed I am not broken.

Make an announcement! Scream my name to justice! Voldemort, VOLDEMORT you have WON! Have the world! Take it! Take every thing! (At this point in the letter Remus realized that it was tearstained.)

But why is it that my going, my , death, has to be mourned. But thinking about it, I've realized that I am only a naïve boy. Selfish. That is why, journal, I leave no actual letter, but an entry. For all of those that wish to be recognized in a letter.

I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday. Of course tomorrow I will be none of yesterday. Why does it hurt? Why do I have to be the one that cries at night, wishing that I would die? Why am I crying now as I write this? Why do I have to be the one with no parents, no people who actually truly know me? Why do I have to be the one that lived? Why? WHY?!

I am done, I have said goodbye, and I am truly gone from this world, never to be risen.

When Remus finished, he slid down the wall, and didn't even realize that a steady stream of tears were coming down his face.

****

A/N: Well that's all of chapter 4! So, please continue reading to see what happens (obviously). Good Bye. P.S. The poem in the death "Letter" is actually written by Evanescence and is titled Hello. Oh and the "Locatia" spell, I created that.


	5. Virgin State Of Mind

The Same Deep Water A You The Cure

Kiss me goodbye pushing out before I sleep

Can't you see I try swimming the same deep

Water as you is hard "the shallow drowned lose

Less than we" you breathe the strangest twist

Upon your lips "and we shall be together…"

"Kiss me goodbye bow your head and join with

Me" and face pushed deep reflections meet

The strangest twist upon your lips and

Disappear the ripples clear and laughing break

Against your feet and laughing break the mirror

Sweet "so we shall be together…"

"Kiss me goodbye" pushing out before I sleep

It's lower now and slower now the strangest

Twist upon your lips but I don't see and I don't

Feel but tightly hold up silently my hands

Before my fading eyes and in my eyes your

Smile the very last thing before I go…

I will kiss you I will kiss you I will kiss you

Forever on nights like this I will kiss you I will

Kiss you and we shall be together…

Chapter 5- No Way Out, No Where To Turn To

Lupin got up, sensing that Sirius needed his help.

He raced out of the door and into the room that Sirius and Harry were in.

Sirius was bent over Harry, silent tears were sliding down his face. He looked up at Remus and said, "I don't know how to stop the bleeding." The statement came out as a choked whisper.

Remus went through the door that led to the kitchen and went to the cabinet by the sink. He opened it's door and grabbed a four towels. He wet two of them and then reached for the emergency kit that had been abandoned there the last time it was used. When Remus got back, he put the things down on the coffee table and gently picked Harry up. He placed the fragile boy down on the ground as comfortably as he could, and then asked, "Sirius, love, I know its hard, but you have to calm down and help me. Can you please hand me the towels and the kit?"

Sirius nodded his head, wiped at his eyes and then grabbed the things that Moony had asked him.

Remus took on of the wet towels and started to dab at Harry's arm. Remus gasped as he realized how deep the cut was, and how much Harry had really wanted to die. _Oh lord, poor guy, why did he want to die? I thought we were helping him!_ Remus dabbed the blood away as much as he could, but no matter what, it just kept coming back. Remus opened the kit, and took out the gauze and the tape. He unraveled as much gauze as he thought was necessary, which was a lot, and cut it off the roll. He began to circle it around Harry's arm, from elbow to palm.

When it had covered up as much as it could, he taped the gauze and set out to do the other arm.

When Remus was finished, he realized that already the blood was seeping through the bandages.

"Sirius, we have get him a blood replenishing potion. We have to go to Hogwarts," Remus told Sirius.

Sirius nodded and said absently, "Yeah."

The Order Of The Phoenix had decided that it would be much more effective, and safe, for all it's members to remain there.

Although Sirius and Remus had thought that putting Harry into a situation where there were a great many people and prying eyes, could hurt Harry even more than he already was. They were proven wrong.

Remus took out his wand, pointed it at the unconscious Harry, and muttered, "Mobilous Corpus," and walked over to the fire place, reached his hand into a pouch containing Floo Powder, took a pinch, threw it into the fire, and said, "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

And a flash of a second later, he was gone.

Remus ended up coming out of the fire place of Professor Dumbledore. Upon looking around the room, he saw that most of the Order where in the room. A gasp, and a few murmurs greeted Moony.

Remus moved his wand, and Harry was gently laid onto the floor. Lupin undid the spell that he had cast on Harry's unconscious form.

Remus said hoarsely, "Please, someone help, he's dying!"

Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore, and Madam Pompfry came forward to the half circle that had formed around the two. "Oh dear god," whispered Minerva McGonagall.

Dumbledore looked stricken, and despair creeped along his face. Poppy Pompfry had her hand over her mouth.

"Madam Pompfry, please summon a stretcher, so that we can get him to the Hospital Wing as quickly as we can.," Dumbledore ordered.

With those words, action came into place. A stretcher magically appeared. Harry was picked up by a pale and dazed looking Sirius, who had appeared into the office not long after Remus.

Harry was placed on the stretcher.

"Mister Weasley, and Miss Granger, please run down to the dungeons and ask Professor Snape if could quickly get us a blood replenishing potion. QUICKLY!" Dumbledore directed a stricken Ron, and a tear stained Hermione.

As fast as they could, the ran out of the office, down the stairs, past the gargoyle, and through the rest of Hogwarts until they reached Severus Snap's office, in the dungeons.

They didn't bother to knock but went right in.

"What are you two doing down here, and barging into my office?!" Snape yelled in a rage.

"S-sir , its Harry," started Hermoine.

"Yeah, and he's, blood everywhere, cuts," Ron tried to finish but failed extremely well.

Both were panting from running all that they did.

"If you two don't inform me at the current moment, I will kick you out of the office, and you will get detentions at the beginning of the year." Snape snapped ferociously.

Hermione took a deep breath and said, "It's Harry, sir, he has gashes on his arms, he's bleeding to death! Professor Dumbledore wishes you to quickly supply us with a blood replenishing potion!" Hermione took a big gulp of air.

Snape wasn't worried, but he was curious as to what the Bleeding- Boy- Who- Lived did to himself this time.

He crossed the room, opened a cupboard and grabbed a potion from a shelf.

He went over to where Hermione and Ron, and handed Hermione the potion.

"Make sure he drinks it _all_," Snape said. And with a nod, the two students were gone.

__

Well, I might as well see what the bloody hell is going on, seeing as no one will probably inform me.

And with a billow of robes, Severus was gone.

The hospital room was filled with & people, Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, Madam Pomfrey (who wasn't at all pleased with the fact that there were 7 people in her hospital room) and Ron and Hermione, who were, yet again, out of breathe due to the fact that they ran the length of the castle.

Madam Pomfrey grabbed the potion, and poured it down Harry's throat, until there was no more. "How long until he wakes up, Poppy?" Sirius asked.

"A few minutes, at the most." Exactly three minutes late, Harry was blinking himself awake. He looked around, confused. He looked at the people in the room, as though he just noticed that he wasn't alone. He quickly leaned forward, and looked, shocked, at his friends, and guides.

A single question came out of his mouth, "Why?"

"Why what, Harry?" Hermione asked.

A few tears trickled down his face. "Why did you save me?" The question was whispered.

No one answered the question, all where to shocked. Rain spilled upon the grounds, suddenly, and poured onto the windows.

Harry jumped from the bed, and before anyone could stop him, raced out the door.

As if one, everyone moved to the door, and raced out, determined not to let Harry be by himself.

Harry was only a few yards away, and everyone saw as he raced out of the door, and into the rain. Sirius raced after him, and caught up to him quickly. He wrapped his arms around Harry's front.

Harry was struggling with all his might to get away, and it was killing Sirius to see his godson like this, acting as though he were a caged animal.

They drooped to the muddied ground, rain slicking down their faces, mixed with tears.

"WHY?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME? WHY COULDN'T YOU LET ME GO?" Harry was screaming, back still turned towards Sirius.

Sirius was crest fallen at the words.

"I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME?" Harry sobbed outloud.

Sirius turned Harry around, and felt twisted inside to see all of Harry's locked up emotions finally surfacing.

From the stress, newly found blood, and flowing river of tears, Harry passed out.

Sirius kissed the top of his head, and whispered into his ear, "Because, you do deserve to live."

****

A/N: Okay so I did say that I would make the chapters longer, and they have. This is only about half of what I have written, but inspiration has seemed to have left for a while, so I found a spot where I thought this chapter could end appropriately, and since I haven't updated in like two months or so, I decided to update now! YAY for all those in anticipation, which I doubt are many. So here ya go and hopefully when inspiration strikes, I will finish the rest in a few days or so!


	6. On the path of the dead, only the living...

Chapter 6 - On the path of the dead, only the living can return 

Run Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you  
Then we really have to go  
You've been the only thing that's right  
In all I've done  
  
And I can barely look at you  
But every single time I do  
I know we'll make it anywhere  
Away from here  
  
Light up, light up  
As if you have a choice  
Even if you cannot hear my voice  
I'll be right beside you dear  
  
Louder louder  
And we'll run for our lives  
I can hardly speak I understand  
Why you can't raise your voice to say  
  
To think I might not see those eyes  
Makes it so hard not to cry  
And as we say our long goodbye  
I nearly do  
  
Light up...  
  
Slower slower  
We don't have time for that  
All I want is to find an easier way  
To get out of our little heads  
  
Have heart my dear  
We're bound to be afraid  
Even if it's just for a few days  
Making up for all this mess  


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Verdesilath() - Barcelona is written and performed by Jewel, you can find it on her Spirit cd

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Midnigth Star- Thanks! I appreciate you comment, and thanks for the suggestions, I agree that they are good songs that could be used, who knows? But I have the songs already picked out for the next two chapters, and after that who knows? lol

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Dancerchick314()- thanks! Your complement really made me fell good! Yes, I to love it when Ron and Hermione are included, which is why I put them in there! lol , and what kind of Harry Potter story would it be with out his faithful companions?

**charlie-potter1**- no problem! Im really sorry for not updating sooner, but I was really preoccupied with new found things that had happened to me recently! I plan to write this chapter, then not update for a while and just write a few chapters so that I can update more!

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Robin the bird- yes poor harry but he's such an easy target! And don't worry not only is it RL/SB but its also HP/DM, I thought I wrote that in my summary but oh well! lol

Thanks for everyone with their reviews, and stuff!

Harry had been put back into the hospital room, and Madame Pompfry had poured a dreamless sleep potion down his unconscious throat, and it had now been two days. (**A.N. yes, I am quite aware that Harry passes out a lot, I promise, not as much from now on! LOL)**

Harry slowly blinked his eyes open, not fully aware as to where he was, but had the odd sensation that he had been here before.

__

Obviously I have been here before, it's the hospital wing….

Everything had rushed back to Harry with in the few seconds that he had rejoined the living.

He slowly sat up in his bed. He had bandages on his arms, and he felt a sting coming from his self-inflicted wounds.

The room was completely empty, which he was grateful for.

He saw his clothing piled neatly on the chair next to him.

He slowly undressed himself from his hospital clothes, mulling over the occurrences that had occurred the previous few days.

He supposed that people had ideas as to why he had tried to kill himself, although he doubted that most of , if any, of them had actually come close to his reasons.

True, at his uncles house he was usually beaten into unconsciousness, but that wasn't the only reason.

__

My main reason is because he had….. no, he couldn't bring himself to say it, even if it was in his head.

It would remain a secret, locked away in a tiny box in the dark and dusty corner of his mind. Never to be opened , never to be broken into. _Never to become known to no one._

Harry had finished dressing, and had crept his way past Madame Pomfrey's office, not knowing whether or not she was in there, and not caring to really find out.

He made it into the corridor, and silently made his way down the stairs.

He had so far made it down to the main hall without coming across anyone or anything, to which he was very grateful, not up to having to be confronted, at least not yet.

He headed towards the direction of the Great Hall.

When he came upon the door, which was slightly ajar, he stood there, hearing the voices that where within talking, about him.

"They were self-inflicted, I had found the letter, and the knife next to him," Remus told the group which consisted of The Order, and not begrudgingly to anyone, surprisingly, Hermione and Ron.

"I just don't understand what had drove him to try to……" Sirius added, in a shocked monotonic voice. "I mean, when we got there, it was bad, really bad, but I got the feeling when he had… cut himself, that it wasn't the only reas……."

Harry didn't feel the need to further listen, since clearly none had figured it out yet.

He turned around and headed back towards the entrance hall. He decided, instead of going up to Gryffindor tower, he fancied himself a walk.

He went over the threshold and breathed in deeply the fresh air. It was slightly chilly and still overcast from the rain that had been thrashing against the grounds.

Harry stepped carefully down the steps, and headed to the left, walking the line of the border of the lake, hearing odd splashing, but unable to identify what it was, considering the fact that there was a dense mist covering the pond.

Harry walked about fifteen minutes when he heard an eerie, instrument- like noise coming from a distance away.

Harry walked nearer, unable to find anyone, but he heard a voice singing a sad mournful song, like a fallen angel:

"_I thought it was funny_

When you, missed the train

When I rang you at home

They said you left, yesterday

I thought it was strange,

When your car was found

Harry continued walking forward, entranced with the singing.

By the tree in

Eunice , were we used to hang around

Finally, Harry had reached a small clump of trees on the other side of the lake, behind the castle.

Dear Isobel, I hope your well

And what you've done is right

Oh its been such hell I wish you well

I hope your safe tonight

Its been a long day coming

And long will it last when

Its last day leaving

Im helping it pass by loving you more

Harry was content on just standing there, listening, but he wanted to draw nearer and see who the fallen angel was. Harry started moving into the small clump of trees, hearing to voice getting louder as he approached.

And who he would become

All the things he'd have done

Would he have loved you

And not let you down

And would he be stronger, than his

Father

Don't punish yourself

Leave it well alone

Harry reached a tree a few yards before where the singer was sitting. Harry had a clear view, as he stood behind the tree, only his head peeking a little around the corner.

Harry was shocked beyond belief to see that the singer was none other than the true fallen angel himself, Draco Malfoy. _what is he DOING here? _ The only thought that drifted into his head, still entranced in this beautiful yet sorrowful song. Draco was sitting there, his right side facing Harry's tree. Harry saw that Draco was looking into the distance, but not seeing. He recognized that same lost look on the blonde boy's face from his own.

Dear Isobel, I hope your well

And what you've done is right

Oh its been such hell I wish you well

I hope your safe tonight

Its been a long day coming

And long will it last when

Its last day leaving

Im helping it pass by loving you more

Its been a long day coming

And long will it last

When its last day leaving

Im helping it pass by loving

Loving you more "

When the song was over. Draco stopped moving the pick, and let his arm hang down the front of his acoustic guitar. The still far- away look in his eyes.

All of a sudden, Draco looked over in his direction, and said, "Who's there?"

__

Damn Damn Damn Damn…. Harry thought to himself, unsure as to how the other young man, how known he was standing there.

Draco seemed to still be searching with his eyes in the trees as to what he had heard.

It wasn't much, and without Draco's odd higher sense of hearing , he wouldn't have heard the small sigh escaping someone's mouth.

Draco was shocked to see that Harry Potter was the one who had stepped through to the clearing.

Draco had heard of what had happened, but unsure of the truth in it.

"Hello Potter," Draco said to Harry.

Harry looked at Draco suspiciously, unaware of his intentions.

But as Harry stood, and Draco sat, both staring intently into each other's eyes, they both came to realize that something had changed with the both of them. The rifts in the air between them was proof enough. Although in Draco, change had been of the bigger than in Harry.

Harry crossed the rest of the way, and stood in front of Draco.

"Well, Potter, are you going to sit down?" Draco offered, in no way crude.

Harry sat on the other end of the fallen over tree.

Without turning, or even looking in his general direction, Harry asked Draco, "What is the song about?"

Draco sighed and said "My friend Isobel. She died, last year."

"How?" Harry asked, not caring if it was offensive, because upon entering the small woods, all feelings and emotions had escaped.

"She hung herself. From the tree where we had met. She was the only friend I ever had. And she's gone."

Harry didn't seem affected by the words, and they both continued to stare, at what was before them, in their lives, and in reality, but what both boys had in common, is that both were not seeing.

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A/N: well that's it this time, kids! LoL. Any ways "Isobel" the song that Draco was singing is written and performed by Dido, you can find that on her No Angel Cd. Yes, I am quite aware that I didn't finish a sentence, and you all might be wondering what that's all about, you'll find out a little later in the story. And if you can figure out what I'm talking about, then bonus points for you!

Until next time, Loves,

Kalistra


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